The Mindset That Helped This First-Time Mum In The First 6 Months
When it comes to mapping out how the first few months of having a baby will go, the phrase ‘the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry’ couldn’t be more accurate. You can read all the books, listen to all the podcasts and take notes from friends and family, but it very rarely goes entirely to plan. It’s a rollercoaster of hormones, sleep deprivation, anxiety and absolute joy.
I was taken aback by how much the feeding became a focus for me in the initial three months. The continuous cycle of breast-bottle-pump every few hours was all consuming. Breastfeeding is by no means easy and mothers who manage it should be saluted, but by the same token those who choose or need to lean on formula shouldn’t feel like they’ve failed.
I found it very hard not to feel like a failure in the early days. I remember very vividly telling my husband that if we lived in the wild I wouldn’t be able to keep Delilah alive. He carefully reminded me that we live in London where you can get pre-made formula on Deliveroo because it's in high demand.
While initially I didn’t discuss the struggle with many people, as I started to find my feet with the feeding and opened up I was surprised and comforted by how many others had experienced similar issues. Makeup artist Celia gave birth to her son Caspian just a month after I had Delilah and had her own battle with feeding. Here’s her story…
The first six months were honestly pretty rough and intense. I had this amazing pregnancy; it was very simple with no complications and I was just in awe of my body and its understanding of what to do. My birth was extraordinary. Having been small throughout my pregnancy, I knew instinctively that he needed a little bit more time to cook. In the end I went into spontaneous labour at 42 weeks +2 days.
I managed to have the home birth I’d dreamt of and honestly it was an extraordinary experience - I would almost use the word fun, but I know that sounds unhinged. I guess I was so obsessed with the birth that I hadn’t given a great deal of thought to what it might be like to have a baby.
When Caspian arrived, I had a euphoric first three days where we slept, people came over to see him and he fed. I look back on that time and think how vulnerable and magical it was.
On day five he was weighed and he’d lost weight. I had a lactation expert and Caspian checked for tongue-tie, which he had so we had that cut. Despite mine and the lactation specialist’s best efforts, on day 10 the tide hadn’t changed.
A midwife came to my house and told me I had to take him to A&E because he’d lost more weight. It was strange being in A&E with a really vulnerable package in my arms, surrounded by sick people. It felt quite counterintuitive. When I saw the paediatric doctor, he said Caspian was fine and we just needed to go home, get to know each other and learn to feed.
Even though I had this amazing advice from a doctor, I was also told to supplement with formula so I did. In return my supply was compromised and I was very, very upset and emotional. From that moment onwards it’s a bit of a blur.
I had planned to breastfeed exclusively until he was six months old and just kept going over and over every moment; what I could have done differently and the autonomy I could have had over my own body. At the time you’re so vulnerable and everything is so new, so you don’t want to play with fire.
We never did manage to get back to just breastfeeding and we combi fed until about four months by which point pumping was making me so miserable. He wasn’t feeding from my breast because bottles fed him much more quickly and he was cross at how slow my letdown was.
It felt like the feeding experience had been stolen from me and the first six months were really intense. While I definitely had postnatal depression to a point, it didn’t impact my ability to love or be completely in awe of this little human being that I pushed out. I really loved meeting my baby and getting to know him.
I found breastfeeding unbelievably hard and didn’t expect it to be. Everyone is very relaxed about saying, ‘Oh you could just top them up with formula’, but the effect this can have on the hormonal process of your milk coming in is enormous. It’s quite hard to come back from if you want to exclusively breastfeed. While I’d heard this story over and over again, when I was in that postpartum haze where everything is really scary and emotional, I couldn’t reach out for those memories.
The first six months seem to be filled with these big milestones that I was told to prepare for and be scared of - sleep regressions, teething, that day just after the birth where you have a hormonal drop. Everything feels so big and momentous, but it’s just a phase and then you move on.
For me, the turning point was when I was able to accept that my experience was very different to my friends who had babies at the same time. It was in my nature to want to do things properly on the nose and be good at them. I wanted to control the whole process, preempt everything and make sure it went to plan.
Eventually it became blatantly obvious to me that it was completely impossible to control. That’s when it got easier I guess and I think that happened when I was at breaking point. I got some therapy at four months and it really helped me to realise ‘Oh okay, this doesn’t have to be all on me and maybe the life lesson here is to surrender, to relinquish control and just roll with it’.
I realised how individual every experience is and how it was going to be much easier for me if I was able to surrender and give way to support systems like therapy, like my parents, like my husband. The great thing about combination feeding is that you’re able to share the burden and pass the baby over.
In surrendering I’ve been able to enjoy it and live in the moment. Babies are such a marker of time, which I’ve never had before. They transform overnight from week to week, month to month. They’re totally different and you realise really quickly that if you’re not with it right there and then, it’s going to be gone.
At six months I was able to give him real food and at that point I was back in control again. I’ve followed quite a specific weaning program and it’s made me feel better and allowed me to take him out and about. I don’t lock myself away with him anymore. I’m much more free with him and I’ve learned not to try and fit too much into a day and just follow his lead, pay attention and enjoy it. I savour every moment with him and enjoy him as a little human.
Feeding isn’t the only issue that people struggle with in the early days. As I mentioned earlier, I was surprised by how many people recounted their own experience when I shared my story.
There’s a lot of pressure to present a manicured picture as a new mum, particularly on Instagram. It’s part of the reason why I started That One Thing.
Hopefully Celia’s story will help someone going through their own issues, feeding or otherwise, at the moment. And hopefully, that tired, stressed out mum will take comfort in the ‘go with it’ mindset that Celia’s developed.
There are plenty of milestones in the first year, and I presume beyond, so going with the flow is something we could take strength from.